Why You Don’t Change – Even Though You Resolve to Every New Year
The arrival of a new year often brings with it a surge of optimism and determination. “This year will be different,” we tell ourselves as we set resolutions to exercise more, quit smoking, save money, or finally tackle that lingering project. Yet, studies show that only a small percentage of people stick to their resolutions beyond the first few months. Why?
Many assume that change is a matter of willpower or adjusting external circumstances—switching routines, buying a gym membership, or downloading productivity apps. However, these superficial efforts often fail because they don’t address the core of what drives our behaviours: our unconscious mind.
Why External Changes Fall Short
At its core, human behaviour is governed by deeply ingrained beliefs and values held within the unconscious mind. These beliefs act as a framework for how we view the world and ourselves. When we try to make changes without addressing this programming, it’s like attempting to install new software on outdated hardware—the system simply can’t support it.
For example, someone might set a resolution to lose weight and join a gym. But if they unconsciously associate exercise with punishment or hold a belief that they aren’t worthy of self-care, their efforts will likely be short-lived. Their unconscious mind will eventually steer them back to behaviours that align with their deeper programming.
The Role of Secondary Gain
One of the most overlooked reasons people struggle to change is the concept of secondary gain. This refers to the hidden benefits we derive from maintaining negative emotions or unhelpful behaviours. While these benefits may not be immediately obvious, they can be powerful enough to keep us stuck.
For instance:
- Procrastination: It might protect us from the fear of failure by ensuring we never fully commit to a goal.
- Anger or resentment: These emotions can serve as a shield, allowing us to avoid vulnerability or difficult conversations.
- Self-sabotage: This can provide a sense of control, as success might feel unpredictable or intimidating.
Until we uncover and address these hidden payoffs, even the best intentions will struggle to create lasting change.
Change Starts with the Unconscious Mind
Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) offer a transformative approach to understanding and reshaping our unconscious patterns. At its heart, NLP recognises that meaningful change occurs when we align our conscious desires with our unconscious programming. Here are three foundational principles of NLP that can help:
- Identify Limiting Beliefs
- Start by uncovering the stories you tell yourself that may be holding you back. For example, do you believe that success always comes with sacrifice? Or that change is too hard? Once identified, these beliefs can be challenged and reframed.
- Leverage Anchors for Positive States
- Anchoring is an NLP technique that links a physical action or trigger to a specific emotional state. By consciously creating anchors for confidence, motivation, or calmness, you can access these states when needed, reinforcing positive behaviours.
- Align Goals with Values
- A common reason resolutions fail is that they conflict with core values. For instance, a resolution to work longer hours may clash with a value of family time. NLP helps you explore and resolve these conflicts, ensuring your goals align with what truly matters to you.
Practical Steps for Real Change
If you’re tired of the cycle of setting resolutions and falling short, consider these steps:
- Dig Deep
- Reflect on why you’ve struggled to change in the past. What beliefs or fears might be holding you back? What secondary gains might you be unconsciously clinging to?
- Visualise Your Ideal Self
- Spend time imagining what life would look like if you achieved your goals. Pay attention to how this vision feels, and begin to embody that identity now, reminding yourself of it daily, rather than waiting for external changes to validate it. Self-hypnosis can also be a powerful tool to help you with this.
- Seek Support Or Develop New Skills
- Change is often easier with guidance. Working with an NLP practitioner can help you uncover hidden blocks and reprogram your unconscious mind for success. You can also learn the skills yourself by attending one of our NLP Practitioner Trainings.
- Celebrate Progress
- Focus on incremental wins rather than perfection. Each step forward reinforces your new programming and builds momentum.
Lasting Change
True change doesn’t come from sheer willpower or surface-level adjustments. It comes from aligning your conscious goals with the unconscious beliefs and values that shape your behaviour. By addressing the deeper layers of your mind, you can break free from old patterns and create the lasting transformation you desire.
This year, don’t just resolve to change. Resolve to understand and reprogram the parts of yourself that have held you back. Only then can you create a life that truly aligns with your vision and values. If you’d like to be equipped with more resourceful tools to help you do this for yourself and for others join our next NLP Practitioner Training (Click here for more info).
