Most people think communication is about getting their point across. Explaining themselves clearly. Being understood. Saying the right thing.
In NLP, communication has a much greater purpose. Communication is about creating understanding, influence, connection, safety, clarity, movement and change.
The meaning of communication is the response you get
One of the most important principles in NLP (and when you are communicating) is this:
The meaning of communication is the response you get.
The response is the measure. Your intention, what you meant to say and what you hoped they understood all come second to it.
At first, this can feel unfair to you as the communicator, because most people judge their communication by their intention.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I was only trying to help.”
“They took it the wrong way.”
In the real world, communication is measured by impact. And you, as the communicator, must remain at cause and take responsibility for the results you get (or don’t get).
Where relationships are strengthened or break down
This is where relationships, leadership, parenting, teams and workplaces are either strengthened or slowly break down.
Think about how often this happens:
- A manager believes they are giving constructive feedback, but their team member walks away feeling criticised or small.
- A partner thinks they are being rational and solution-focused, while the other person feels emotionally dismissed.
- A parent believes they are encouraging their child to do better, while the child internalises that they are never enough.
Same words. Different nervous systems. Different filters. Different meanings.
Everyone responds to their own map of reality
NLP teaches that people respond to their internal map of reality, shaped by beliefs, past experiences, emotional states, values and unconscious associations. This is why the words you are saying, and the intention behind them, may not land the way you want them to.
Which means communication goes well beyond speaking. It is about observing. Calibrating. Listening beneath the words. And paying attention to the reaction or response that your communication creates in another person.
If someone becomes defensive, shuts down, withdraws or reacts emotionally, there is feedback for you in that response.
The people who communicate most effectively are the ones most willing to become aware of the effect they are having.
One question to ask yourself this week:
Where in my life am I focusing more on being understood than on understanding the impact my communication is having?
Ready to learn the art and science of effective communication? View our schedule of upcoming trainings here.
